One Month.

Last night I dreamed of a Newfoundland, you know those big hairy dogs that likes to swim. I dreamed about living by the sea and surfing with this giant of a dog swimming next to me. Then I woke myself up convinced that I was going to persuade my parents to let me have one here in the family home. In my languid half awake state I bumbled over to my bookcase and pulled out all the dog books I owned determined that I needed to do some research before I presented my argument to my folks. 

I must have at some point climbed back into bed and fallen asleep again because I woke up to a blue sky and the conviction that I was going to get a female Newfoundland and call her Sanoe (after Sanoe Lake the Hawaiian surfer girl). 

You see in the aftermath of a relationship your mind is a revolving door of possibilities, with each revolution a new idea steps forward to whirl around for a turn...Naturally this vulnerable state is not the time to be making drastic decisions. 

I know of two seaside places I'd consider living and have been logging onto property sites at regular intervals to check out accommodation  Yesterday I nearly got pierced, I've contemplated chopping off my hippie tresses and my fingers are itching to call someone I probably shouldn't.

Restless it the word. 

The benefit of being this age and still living at home is that I have siblings around me who are more like friends now. My sister Emily made me sit and watch some Sex and the City episodes with her, which we interrupted intermittently to have hearts to hearts. Accompanied by the primal screaming of Samantha in the background Emily told me about the one month rule. 

She told me to wait a month, to sit with my ideas without acting upon any. One month feels like an agonizingly long time of being inactive but I am astute enough (despite everything), to realize that she makes a good point. 

Our motivations are usually derived from desire and much like a changing tide within desire there a rips and channels in which to drown. Acting upon impulse, whilst good in some circumstances, is not the antidote to a healing heart. In the aftermath of a break up I have to sit with myself, I have to brood and give myself time to reflect. 

I had someone email me some very profound advice recently: 

'I think that any two people in a relationship merge and connect through emotions and life experiences and if/when they separate there needs to be a time of healing in order to regain a sense of who we are as individuals.  As painful as it can be, that time alone can bring insight and growth that can empower us and move us on.'

So as much as I want to rebel against staying, I'm going to tread water and consider my options. 

There will also be some surfing too and we all know how that helps! 

Until next time 

Stay strong and surf well! 

Love Sophia 

Head, heart and gut.

Listening to: Soup Dragons "I'm Free"

Forgive me Jemima Stubbs but I'm going to steal your excellently coined 'head, heart and gut' theory and use it as inspiration for this here blog post!

In one of her ever insightful and thought provoking emails to me Jemima came up with this brilliant theory of helping make difficult decisions about love (I'm sure the principle can be applied to any aspect of life however). 

So. Here it is. The Theory. 

Use your head. Think logically, analyse, make pros and cons lists and consider the sensible options. Ask for advice and seek different perspectives. 

Use your heart. Then explore what you desire, allow yourself to sink deeply into the true nature of your feelings. Be soppy and romantic and try to identify what it is that you want. 

Use your gut. Your gut knows best. Deep down you know what it is you need/want to do but often pause over the decision making process to test how adamant you are about a certain choice. 

After reading Lauren Hill's interview I've been philosophizing about her answer to question 4 quite a lot. 

"Feminism has won some incredible victories  and created so many opportunities for what is possible for us as women.  Many of us can have it all—career, family, love, passion, surfing---just probably not all at the same time . It is rare to experience perfect balance of all aspects of life at the same time….and if you do, thank your lucky stars, but know that it will change. All will descend into chaos again at some point. Doing  my best to be present and do what makes my heart sing are the things that allow me to find balance. Also, not taking on too much at any one time. And, when all is out of whack, I've always got the ocean to go to and put things in perspective."

In the aftermath of a break up I'm beginning to reflect on my own conduct and my role in helping the demise of our relationship. On reflection I realize I was setting up my dude for a fall because of my expectations (I know you all know his name but I feel strangely protective of using it now)?! I believed he needed to fill all of my needs - physical, intellectual, emotional and social, when in actuality these needs must come from a variety of people but most of all from myself. 

Check out the diagram below, I had a bit of a eureka moment whilst attending an 'Attitudes and Values' training day at work!

What we want and what we need in life are two very different things. In Buddhism we are taught to let go of attachments  minimal living is the route to enlightenment. As a rookie Buddhist (and a very bad one at that), I sometimes get lost in the philosophy of it all and find myself being increasingly concerned about my status in society. When I graduated from University I was hungry to be seen to be doing something, I had so much to prove which if I'm honest made me a little crazy! The thing is attitude affects behavior which then affects the attitudes of others and their behaviors - a negative cycle. Make sense? 

None of us are truly independent in this life (I certainly couldn't get to work without the train driver)! We're all codependent, the same as empowerment comes from the individual,  I can't empower you that has to come from within. 

So you could argue that its fool hardy to think that a partner should provide you with everything, there are many facets to me and one person cannot be expected to meet all of these requirements. 

Since starting my new job I realize how a lack of purpose really interrupted an otherwise great love. I don't want to sweep our problems under the carpet because they certainly existed but after a little space and clarity I'm starting to wonder if there's enough love and kindness left over to start again? He was a wonderful boyfriend and a truly great soul and as much as I'm terrified of losing my balance which I've had to carefully reconstruct I keep asking myself do I want a life without someone  like that? Time is a great healer and my gut is telling me to go slow and explore what my heart really feels. As Dejene my Ethiopian brother once said, when your sad you fix, fix fix!

The funny thing is it doesn't matter if 1000 people don't love you if one person does then that could be argued as all you really need in life... 

Projects.

This week I had another joyous Monday to myself and spent it at the Sealife Centre in Birmingham. Surrounded by all the beautiful marine life filled me with so much creativity and stoke for my forthcoming seahorse tattoo. Here are some photos from my trip and my new art project:

'The shapes, colours and textures of marine life.'

 

My obsession with seahorses continues...

    
































Stay Strong, Surf Well 

X 

Show & Tell.

Show. 

Listening non stop to Zap Mama - Brrrlak!  

I'd like to take the opportunity to show you some of the art work I've been doing lately. I've started incessantly drawing African tribal women which makes me think I'll end up on the continent sometime soon. Africa makes me feral, even though I'm as English as it comes, there's something about the place which always feels like I'm going home. I wish I could explain it better than that but Africa its a feeling, an energy. I guess your just going to have to go to see for yourself! 

   



































These are incomplete and preliminary sketches for a bigger piece I'd like to do, but you can see where I'm going with this! Below are some marine ink sketches I've been doing for some surf pieces I'd like to try and do also. 

Tell.

So anyway let me tell you about my day. 

Quite unusually I found myself off on a Monday, a strange situation to find oneself in when practically everyone else I know is busy off to work. I got up feeling guilty as most other instances of been off on a Monday has been due to unemployment. By my last mouthful of Ready Brek I was starting to panic - my time is sacred, I must do something, I can't be bored, please don't let me waste this day! What on earth am I going to do? There's no one to hang out with until later - Gah! Suddenly my Monday seemed like a barren and boredom filled wasteland. 

So I did what I always do when I have things to mull over, I threw on some old clothes, grabbed the dog and took said reluctant jack russell for a walk over the canals. I purposefully left my music player at home, today I wanted to hear the birds and connect a little with my immediate environment. It did the trick and by the end of the walk I had found solace. 
I decided you know what it's time for a 'me' day! 

So I went to the cinema - by myself. Its such an alien concept to walk into a cinema and ask for one ticket and you cant help but feel a little bit sad when you do so. I had to stop myself from giving the cashier girl my entire life history and an explanation as to why I was at the cinemas on a Monday afternoon by myself. Once you get over the initial feeling of having a giant neon arrow over your head you actually start to enjoy yourself. 

Solo cinema trips are one of my guilty pleasures, if I go to the cinemas with someone else I usually want to talk to them or if I'm being perfectly honest make out (ahem)! So it was kind of awesome to go and actually appreciate the film I was watching ('I give it a year' but more about that later)! 

Afterwards I went to a coffee shop where I started composing this blog post. Coffee shops are my ULTIMATE guilty pleasure, I love sitting nursing a soy cappuccino watching the world go by. Its a habit I developed in childhood, me and my dad who most often than not were left bored and waiting for my mom and sisters to finish shopping, would go find a bench to people watch from (neither me nor my dad relish shopping). It was our time to bond I guess.

I finished the day rock climbing with a friend and whilst it was awesome to have a catch up I've enjoyed immensely having time to myself. I think all too often we're afraid to be alone, to have time to reflect and be bored but this is where our curiosity lives in the moments where we are forced into contemplation. I can admit to always wanting to be busy and purposeful but sometimes its good to be the complete opposite of that. I often find myself wishing for these empty days of endless possibility, especially when I dream of living by the sea - imagine being able to go for a cheeky surf session and having all day to do so! 

So anyway. 

The film I watched was a little British number called 

'I Give It A Year' 

It fits into the romcom genre with some pretty cringe worthy parts but is totally not what you expect. I really enjoyed it and you find yourself rooting for the characters you didn't think you'd like! 

I reckon that in the aftermath of a breakup its expected I find comfort in slush like said film, which I suppose is somewhat ironic because its probably the exact opposite of what you need. I don't want to talk too candidly about my relationship but I do wish to be honest. Other than missing the person I think its the companionship I miss the most. You become someone's friend and hearing about their day becomes a feature of your own. I find myself wanting to tell my ex things, insignificant things and have to remind myself he probably doesn't need a monologue of my everyday observations!! 

I think all things considered we broke up pretty well, we're civil, friendly and very kind to each other if that makes any sense. I don't know if in the long run that makes things harder but I appreciate that we're both trying to be gracious. I think its pretty obvious I miss him, that's normal, but like the initial anxiety felt of going to the cinema by yourself, you have to try and embrace being alone because you might just learn a few things. I'm lucky that I loved at all and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat - love makes a person. 

Well that's enough rambling for one night. 

Stay Strong and Surf well! 

X 

Exposure.

Meditation 637. Exposure

Life is full of exhilarating risks - the risk of meeting,

the risk of loving. We must throw ourselves into these

risks with all our hearts. We cannot be whole without exposure. We cannot be happy standing still. 

 

Last week I watched 'Africa' the BBC's latest wildlife documentary enraptured. In the opening scenes we became embroiled in plight of baby sea turtles to reach the ocean. At only 7cm long they are incredibly vulnerable not only from the epic journey they must undertake, but from predators at every angle. At the end of the scene the velvety tones of our beloved national treasure, David Attenborough coined the word resilience. 

I exhaled realizing I'd been holding my breath for the entire sequence. I'd also been absentmindedly clutching my necklace which just so happened to be a turtle?! I found it randomly and haven't taken it off since, the plight of baby sea turtles has become a symbol to me of resilience of not giving up. 

As the author of a personal blog I regard it as something of a duty to reflect on all aspects of my life both good and bad. I also maintain the need to have some boundaries between my online life and my personal one. 

So without fear of giving too much of myself away I tentatively tell you of my sadness, my melancholy is loved shaped and that is enough information for now. 

The more love that you feel, 

the more your little heart will ache.

- Jack Johnson 

I know diligent yoga practice and meditation is what I must do, I need to be focused if I ever hope to cultivate inner peace. Now is the time for healing, for surrendering to the forces of suffering in order to truly understand resilience. If I cannot understand all the angles which shape my sadness then I cannot find happiness. Break ups are like bereavement you grieve for the relationship lost. I am trying to send my beloved love and light when I miss him because he is a good person and then continue forward in the hope I'll regain my balance. 

So what now? 

I need to surf because it reconnects me. I want to absorb yoga and Buddhism so the philosophies become ingrained in me not just hollow mutterings. I'm frightened to be starting over but this is life, this is learning. 

I'm so incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to love a man, a good man who I will hold in highest esteem but now I must accept our chapter has ended and that its time to move on. 

It is tempting to get horribly drunk, run away or dive head first into a new relationship. Self attachment to desires such as these seldom lead to inner happiness. Instead I'm devouring Buddhist philosophy. I know I sound a bit hippie dippie and as though I'm clutching at ideology to find solace, but its more than that, Buddhist writing to be perfectly honest is pretty dam harsh.

It  dwells on death, it talks about suffering as an inevitability and tells you to identify your faults. I'm beginning to reflect and acknowledge that my behavior played a pivotal role in the demise of an otherwise good relationship. I wasn't cruel, or mean or unfaithful but I allowed my own personal disarray to distort things. Its a lonely place when you realize you have no one else to blame but yourself but despite these seemingly bleak philosophies Buddhism is proving to be like quenching a life long thirst, I didn't realize how much power we have, how much potential there is to do good and be good. Weirdly enough I'm starting to feel positive again, almost myself. 

I'll be learning from this life lesson. 

Distraction. 

If I can give the love lorn any advice it would be to distract yourself during the early stages of a break up. Be gentle with yourself, eat well, exercise and above all be with people you cherish. This time is helping me realize I am surrounded by wonderful people all of whom have made an immeasurable difference to me in a difficult time. 

I caught up with one of my best friends Adam who is soon off to Alaska/Patagonia/wilderness places to complete his mountaineering course. Gnarly doesn't even cover it. 

I love train journeys and English Northern towns.

When music hits you feel no pain! 

AMAZING vegan sundae/decor at The Coven, Wigan (UK)

Sometimes just being silly with a friend is all you need! 

The Turtle necklace <3 

Blog posts may be a little few and far between whilst I'm getting my life back in order but I'll try to be consistent. I want to set an example and not desert you when things get a little tough. So until next time...

Stay strong, Surf well 

X