Exposure.

Meditation 637. Exposure

Life is full of exhilarating risks - the risk of meeting,

the risk of loving. We must throw ourselves into these

risks with all our hearts. We cannot be whole without exposure. We cannot be happy standing still. 

 

Last week I watched 'Africa' the BBC's latest wildlife documentary enraptured. In the opening scenes we became embroiled in plight of baby sea turtles to reach the ocean. At only 7cm long they are incredibly vulnerable not only from the epic journey they must undertake, but from predators at every angle. At the end of the scene the velvety tones of our beloved national treasure, David Attenborough coined the word resilience. 

I exhaled realizing I'd been holding my breath for the entire sequence. I'd also been absentmindedly clutching my necklace which just so happened to be a turtle?! I found it randomly and haven't taken it off since, the plight of baby sea turtles has become a symbol to me of resilience of not giving up. 

As the author of a personal blog I regard it as something of a duty to reflect on all aspects of my life both good and bad. I also maintain the need to have some boundaries between my online life and my personal one. 

So without fear of giving too much of myself away I tentatively tell you of my sadness, my melancholy is loved shaped and that is enough information for now. 

The more love that you feel, 

the more your little heart will ache.

- Jack Johnson 

I know diligent yoga practice and meditation is what I must do, I need to be focused if I ever hope to cultivate inner peace. Now is the time for healing, for surrendering to the forces of suffering in order to truly understand resilience. If I cannot understand all the angles which shape my sadness then I cannot find happiness. Break ups are like bereavement you grieve for the relationship lost. I am trying to send my beloved love and light when I miss him because he is a good person and then continue forward in the hope I'll regain my balance. 

So what now? 

I need to surf because it reconnects me. I want to absorb yoga and Buddhism so the philosophies become ingrained in me not just hollow mutterings. I'm frightened to be starting over but this is life, this is learning. 

I'm so incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to love a man, a good man who I will hold in highest esteem but now I must accept our chapter has ended and that its time to move on. 

It is tempting to get horribly drunk, run away or dive head first into a new relationship. Self attachment to desires such as these seldom lead to inner happiness. Instead I'm devouring Buddhist philosophy. I know I sound a bit hippie dippie and as though I'm clutching at ideology to find solace, but its more than that, Buddhist writing to be perfectly honest is pretty dam harsh.

It  dwells on death, it talks about suffering as an inevitability and tells you to identify your faults. I'm beginning to reflect and acknowledge that my behavior played a pivotal role in the demise of an otherwise good relationship. I wasn't cruel, or mean or unfaithful but I allowed my own personal disarray to distort things. Its a lonely place when you realize you have no one else to blame but yourself but despite these seemingly bleak philosophies Buddhism is proving to be like quenching a life long thirst, I didn't realize how much power we have, how much potential there is to do good and be good. Weirdly enough I'm starting to feel positive again, almost myself. 

I'll be learning from this life lesson. 

Distraction. 

If I can give the love lorn any advice it would be to distract yourself during the early stages of a break up. Be gentle with yourself, eat well, exercise and above all be with people you cherish. This time is helping me realize I am surrounded by wonderful people all of whom have made an immeasurable difference to me in a difficult time. 

I caught up with one of my best friends Adam who is soon off to Alaska/Patagonia/wilderness places to complete his mountaineering course. Gnarly doesn't even cover it. 

I love train journeys and English Northern towns.

When music hits you feel no pain! 

AMAZING vegan sundae/decor at The Coven, Wigan (UK)

Sometimes just being silly with a friend is all you need! 

The Turtle necklace <3 

Blog posts may be a little few and far between whilst I'm getting my life back in order but I'll try to be consistent. I want to set an example and not desert you when things get a little tough. So until next time...

Stay strong, Surf well 

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