22:18

This is the hardest blog post I've ever had to write and in a few months time it will probably be the hardest to read too.  

22:18 is the time I decided to admit that actually I'm not ok, truthfully I haven't been ok for a while now and I think its time to do something about that.

The truth is I'm sad. 

The kind of sadness that makes you manically exercise to distract yourself from feeling so much, or starve/binge because you are so overwhelmed you need to control something in the chaos of your life. Sadness makes me consider a million fantastical ideas, becoming a yoga teacher, moving to Bristol, running my own business, doing a masters but nothing ever comes to fruition because I am not in the mindset to make such big commitments.

In truth I have lost my passion. I often look upon my boyfriend, an accomplished artist and whilst every membrane of my body is proud and happy for him, a curl of envy exists within me. Not because I desire to do what he does, or have his salary, I am envious not because he's interesting but because he's interested. 

He has found the thing in the world that makes him happy and passionate. It doesn't matter that he's sometimes tired or overworked because he's found peace of mind doing and being exactly who he is, his passion helps him through those moments.

I crave that so much, its like an unquenchable thirst and the more I try to find what I think my purpose in life is the more desperate and confused I get, furthering myself from understanding anything.

This year alone two people I know died, one committed suicide and the other was mauled to death by tigers. Mauled to death by tigers. I cannot even begin to understand these situations, instead I push my sadness down and try not to dwell. Except you can't bury hurt like that, because it haunts you in the time when you first open your eyes and the last moments before sleep. Sadness finds me. 

 I am overwhelmed by people's misery, much like that character in Green Mile who took in the world's pains I feel like sometimes my head is going to explode with compassion. I am bothered for days when my friends confide their troubles in me I desperately want to make them happy, I don't stop thinking about the service users I care for when I clock out and I find it incredibly difficult to discuss the injustices I've witnessed in Africa. I have seen poverty first hand, children sleeping on pavements alone, how do you see something like that and return to 'normality' afterwards?

Today I had a long discussion with my boyfriend and saw myself reflected back as inpatient, intolerable and someone I infinitely disliked. I had made him unhappy and he'd carried that around for a while trying to accommodate my disarray. I feel the most wretched person in the wide world, horrified that I have caused another human being to feel like that, let alone the person I love. Love isn't three letter words its about making changes and I endeavor to get the help I need so I'm not a negative impact in someones life, especially his. 

For the time being I don't know whether that means I just need yoga & meditation or actually talking to a professional but I know I need to take charge before I spiral.

Dear reader, it has taken every scrap of courage in the alcoves of my heart to admit that I'm struggling and need help. I've told you because I think all of us need a reminder of our humanity, that its ok to not be ok. For a long time I was afriad that if I admitted I wasn't perfect I'd lose respect both for myself and from others. In actuality if you can look at adversity, acknowledge your vulnerability and then decide to do something about that then it is you who is strong.

I am still the positive hippie girl I am and always will be because in darkness I'm obstinately refusing to lose hope, I'm just learning that I don't have to hold the coat hanger grin all of the time up when my heart is heavy. 

Now is for talking, for sharing, creating and above all surfing. 

There is strength in saltwater:

Sweat, Tears and Sea. 

Mahalo for reading my post tonight, it helps me knowing your out there and I endeavor to write about my experiences in the hope it might help someone else too. 

Stay strong, surf well

Love
Sophia