Some weeks are sent to test you and this has been one hell of a week.
My yearning for the ocean has felt like unrequited love, exasperated I'm sure because of the chaos going on around me.
A constant lesson in life is learning to go with the flow when situations spiral out of your control. There are instances when you can't fix things and you just have to blindly trust that you'll be ok. Whilst still very much in the thick of a bad week I'm trying to remind myself that hardships are the catfish of life, they make you agile, remind you that your alive and eventually make you stronger.
You see the trouble I have is that one of my greatest strengths is also one of my greatest weaknesses. Ever since I was young I have wanted to please people, whether that be through helping them, being there as a friend or just trying to 'do the right thing.' The problem however is that you can't please everyone and often this is to my own detriment. When I let people down, which I inevitably do because I'm only human, I internalize and agonize over my actions or inaction until I drive myself half crazy.
Its hard writing today's blog post in that I have to be vague enough to protect myself, which fights against my desire to pour my heart out to you dear readers. I so desperately want to sit down with you all, hand around tea and biscuits and share about how bad this weeks been. Instead I will tell you about small tidbits of everyday life which have helped me keep my chin up. In no particular order:
1) Hearing the Jack Johnson song 'To The Sea,' exactly when I needed to hear, it when my heart was at its heaviest.
[To The Sea was the song which pretty much stopped me doing something silly and started a thought process which led to surfing which pretty much saved my life. The rest they say is history.]
2) A service user I care for at the nursing home calling me a friend and hugging me after we spent an afternoon in the park together. We watched seagulls being fed by the lake and laughed as they flew around us like falling confetti.
3) Work colleagues hugging me unexpectedly when I was lost in my own thoughts and feeling blue. Its funny how they are becoming actually really great friends.
4) Making fresh wholesome food from scratch, seeing and feeling the benefits on my body.
5) The Land Locked Surfers Club reminding me that there is always hope and something to strive for. 2014 promises to be another surf filled year.
6) Having another lovely taxi driver ask me what my ethnicity is, I love being mistaken for being Italian, Romanian or Spanish (I'm as British as a pork pie)!
7) Feeling loved and appreciated by my family.
8) Realizing that if people aren't helping me grow, thrive and feel inspired then I have respect enough for myself to look elsewhere.
Slightly off topic but have you ever looked at a shark's eye up close?
Recently I've been thinking a lot about sharks especially because next year I'll be surfing in great white territory. I am quite naturally scared but I'm also quietly fascinated. In my current frame of mind sharks are offering me a philosophy.
Look at self made fears closely because actually you might find them quite beautiful when you dare to examine them.
I am no one in particular, in a world which barely registers my existence but if I can offer any advice it would be to not be so hard on yourself, edit where you need to edit, improve and initiate positive change but remember that you have your place and you are important.
Until next time,
Stay strong, surf well
Love
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