I've purposely stayed away from blogging. I needed time to sit with myself, to thoroughly explore the alcoves of my mind in order to understand what it was I both want and need. I've always felt RWHCS was a place of solace for me but naturally I do edit myself, I have to explain and reword to make a consistent post which speaks to my readers. Of course I'm always me, there is no use pretending to be anyone else as the real Sophia always shines through!
I knew I needed a little distance to try and make sense of all my ideas about life and what I think I want to do. I relied on my usual methods, first I spoke to family, then friends and finally when I was still undecided I went and sat out in the garden with a green tea and solitude.
Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to just sit still? To not just check something on facebook or send someone a text message. The first few times I tried sitting out in my garden I got distracted thinking about all the things I needed to do and how imperative it was that I found an answer to my eternal musings.
Slowly my senses began to unfurl in my immediate surroundings until the bird song became acute and the flowers such vivid shades of beautiful. Finally I could hear what both my heart and gut instinct were trying to tell me.
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| A wizened old soul contemplates life. |
So here's the thing.
After another dear friend passing away this year I found myself monumentally anxious. Anxious in the way that a small knot forms in your stomach and you have a hot itch at the back of your neck which feels like guilt. I felt like I needed to be doing something drastic. You know like the big life changing stuff - moving away, selling all my possessions to go pony trekking in Nepal. I'm 25 this year which is still only a quarter a way through my life (I'm planning on getting to 100). I've got loads of time but with all this death around me I was suddenly aware of my mortality and the hunger to be doing something noteworthy became insatiable.
Those feelings of regret for not doing the masters degree (Global Wildlife Health and Conservation at Bristol) were blind sighting me, to such an extent I was finding it hard to sleep, or talk about anything else. I got it into my head that I needed to do it NOW, this year, to strike while the iron is hot.
Except I can't do it this year because its a LOT of money and I have no time to adequately save. So taking the advice of a friend I gave it a week to mull it over, could I realistically afford to relocate in two months to Bristol, to save up enough for living expenses and to organize a loan from the bank?
The answer was no.
But something amazing happened, through all this turmoil I was able to hear myself, I mean to say that I was able to recognize a little fist of determination balled up inside me, I've found my passion, its there, I mean it was there all along. I know exactly what to do.
So this is the new (rough) plan. I'm going to try to relocate to Bristol this year and get myself set up, I'm talking house, job etc etc so next September when the Masters comes around I can reapply confident that I have the means to support myself and make the most of it.
In the mean time I'm going to learn how to drive, volunteer, live voraciously confident that my life is in process and I'm making strides towards the future I think is mine.
I can see it vividly, it is so tangible I feel like I'll wake up there tomorrow. I see a beach, I see a dog, my dog making paw prints in the sand. I'm holding the hand of the man I love who looks at me with the same adoration we felt when we first started dating. Under my arm is a surfboard and in my heart I feel content, that ordinary, everyday kind of happiness that's the best kind of happiness to have.
Perhaps I'll travel and work with primates or teach children about conservation. Maybe I'll own a vegan cafe or a yoga school or maybe I'll be a care worker happy living for the now. All these realities are fine by me because I finally recognize that I'm able to comprehend suffering, learn from it and grow - or at least that's the school of thought I'm going with!
A dear friend of mine told me this story recently:
A Buddhist monk upon enlightenment began laughing hysterically. Confused the other monks asked 'What is so funny?' The monk replied that upon enlightenment he finally realized that everything was already perfect.
Even in despair your life is perfect, you are exactly where you need to be and will grow and learn from your experiences. If I could offer any advice to postgraduates or anybody lost wondering what to do with themselves, I'd tell you to have patience. Everything is an opportunity to learn and whilst not knowing what to do with your life can drive you crazy sometimes, its all an important part of life and you'll be ok.
Like my dear friend Victoria once said to me. Go, live somewhere else take a chance, life is like a bungee cord you'll always bounce back and have friends and family to support you if you want to come home. Right on sister!
This weeks inspiration.
Until next time mermaids, water babies, land lubbers and everyone else in between...
Stay strong, surf well!
x
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