A little lack luster.

I have been massively uninspired lately, which is quite the conundrum when trying to write engaging material for a blog. Much like trying to stroke a nervous dog the more you force and cajole inspiration, the more it shies away from your outstretched hand.

After a bit of yoga and a lot of sivasana (aren't we all there for the relaxation), the reason I'm so lack luster became blatantly obvious:

I'm a surfer, writing a surf blog who hasn't been in the water for months. 

No wonder I have no opinion on the winter swell, can't review latest surf products or discuss hidden away breaks. My life has literally had nothing to do with surfing other than the constant dull ache of yearning I keep caged away in my heart.  

Oh gosh how terribly melodramatic! Regular readers of this here blog will know I don't like writing too many invites to pity parties so that's where the moaning will stop. Realizing I'm not going to have much opportunity to surf this side of Christmas I revisited some old loves of mine that have been with me since childhood, the idea being not to force inspiration but to be reminded of wonderful things. 

1. I packed a rucksack, borrowed the dog and got a thermos of mint tea ready then went walking out in the countryside. 

 
I got on the train for an hour or so to Malvern Hills with Jack the family dog. This is the closest thing to wilderness on my door step, I love how it reminds me of the Lake District, the place I called home for three years whilst studying. I was born city but I'm a country girl at heart. 

2. My go to place for respite is on my yoga mat. This is mostly because I get a lot of solace out of my practice but its also because my yoga mat is more readily available than a surfboard and waves! 

3. I return to old haunts, look at old photos and remember the hippie girl who dared to dream. I embrace change and I am grateful I've evolved over time (I'm more than grateful I've left behind the dodgy fashion sense and teenage acne....which lasted until last year), but I enjoy nostalgia and looking back at how far I've come. Sometimes being reminded of past things you loved helps you shape the way forward. I loved/love animals so here's a few pictures from my past which help remind me to live compassionately (be ready for a few laughs)! 

     

This little box room was my dorm room in Uni, the first space I had living independently. Its not exactly going to win any design awards but I still look at this little room with fondness (it also hid a pet rat named Fagin who I loved more than words can say)! 

Obviously I didn't get the heads up that turquoise yoga pants, bandannas and walking boots were never going to be a good look but this photo makes me smile anyway. It was the first time I went to Africa, I'd found a street dog in Gambia I liked and was giving him a scratch much to the horror of my travel companions! 

Gosh I miss those hills, here I am borrowing yet another dog in the Lake District. There are the walking boots again but at least they're in the right environment here. I think the only thing that makes me feel as free as I did in that picture is being on my surfboard. 

    
























My hair is lighter than it was in this pic but the smile is the same. Every time I surf this is how I feel, just completely elated. This photo was taken in Brittany France right before I tried surfing for the first time- It was love at first sight...

4. When I'm struggling to find inspiration I look to creative people, it may not be obvious right away but I'm a MASSIVE Beyonce fan. I don't pretend to think that the sun shines out of her backside celebrities have become property of the public rather than human beings, she is a flawed person like the rest of us, but I love her drive, her commitment to her family and her loyalty to gender equality. I've been captivated by her recent film project Yours & Mine recently, she totally encapsulates how I feel about feminism and how I want to balance career and family. 

 

5. Lastly I look at, talk to and love him. 

Often its terrifying writing about love, especially on such a public platform as this, but I've come to realize I needn't be overwhelmed or afraid of saying I'm in love. Mr Sunny is one of my biggest sources of inspiration and as Beyonce so rightly says, success is not real unless shared, men and women balance each other out, we need one another and admitting that is no weakness. We are social apes, we were born for each other and I write with a heart brimming with happiness that I've been blessed with him for however long I'm given. 

Anywho. Have I bored you silly yet? Well at least you've had a few minutes procrastination from whatever it is you were supposed to be doing. Funnily enough I've been massively inspired writing this post (and talking to my friend and surf comrade) about sustainability and biodiversity. Another massive part of my life was conservation so I think I might start incorporating that into my blog. Watch this space. 

Until next time,
Stay strong, surf well
Love

Left of my pillow.

 Left of my pillow is where sunshine goes after dusk and where he stays before rising early (always before me)! I nickname him Mr Sunny because he makes me feel like everyday is summer, I'm only light and health in his presence (...and that dear blog reader, is the restrained version of how he makes me feel)! 

This ordinary poet wants to utilize big fancy words and pretty sentences to try and encompass how much I love this man, but well, I have a habit of writing big declarations and then getting a good kick in the arse if/when it goes wrong! 

So let me just say this instead. 

I feel happy in a 'guilty for my good fortune' kind of way, like I can't quite believe my luck. I've done the sobbing into my pillow, the so angry I want to scream and the reckless running away to foreign soil...The pain, the humiliation, the being alone and frustration has all accumulated to being able to appreciate a good thing I have going on now. 

Dear reader, we don't need someone to lead fulfilling, enriched lives, we have ourselves for that but its nice when you can share the passing of time with someone who makes everyday feel like paradise.  

You may have noticed I'm a bit of a soppy cow on this here blog and if your a regular reader you'll recall that I have previously talked openly about past loves. I like to be transparent, what you see is what you get with me so although I cringe when I reread about how gushy I've been about an ex I see it as an honest reflection of a young woman trying to find something everlasting. 


Yesterday he talked about us waking up together and going surfing. The grin this statement caused could have stretched from London to New York I cannot tell you! He doesn't have to be a good surfer, heck he doesn't even have to like it, just the fact that Mr Sunny wants to wholeheartedly give it a go is good enough for me. 

Today I went thrifting...

It seems funny to call what I do 'thrifting' as its always just been 'charity shopping,' to me and my folk. Thrifting sounds so trendy and purposeful whereas what I do is rummaging and hoping! I wanted my clothes to reflect how happy I was feeling today so I decided to wear this tribal vintage number (from the 80's I believe). I'd bought it originally as something to sell on but like everything I've purchased with this intention its ended up on my back! Dress £10 from Oasis Market, Birmingham UK. 

I don't usually hyperventilate about wedding dresses as its not something I've ever really thought about (i.e. getting married) but this beautiful 60's/70's number took my breath away. 

More bounty from my charity shop spree, I got these two vintage cushions for silly cheap and this beautiful seashell themed illustration for my growing surf wall. Can't wait to get this into the new place and style it up! 

I'm enjoying immensely the accumulation of bits and bobs for my new pad (wherever and whatever it may be). I'm still up in airs about whether I can live right by the sea (Saltburn) or get a place slightly further away to keep costs down. The sensible side of my brain keeps telling myself its ok to not be on the beach front...even if I'm 40 minutes away by public transport that's better than being three hours away in either direction, like my current land locked status!  

Speaking of sensible, I'm having to put getting a dog on the back burner for a while as my life is so changeable right now and it wouldn't be fair on an animal such as a dog. I am however so bursting with love and compassion that a pet is still on the cards, right now I'm dithering between a rat, bird, ferret, bunny or guinea pig. Not sure what to opt for just yet but I'll do my research and hopefully have a blog mascot in the not so distant future! 

Until next time water babies

Stay strong, surf well
Love

Brooding.

When you sense a faint possibility of happiness you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt- its not selfishness, but obligation 
- Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. 

Dress Miss Selfridges in the sale, Boots from Select in the sale, BB cream, hemp lip balm and tea tree concealer all The Body Shop. 

Above shots: Hat and jeans all sale items from H&m, Aztec print cardigan a gift from Mom and the necklace was a gift from a guy called Happy in Senegal!  

Anyone would think I took these pics mid winter, not in the beautiful spring sunshine which is what I actually did. I'm fairly inept when it comes to photography, (which is precisely why in the past I've avoided doing 'style' shots on account of looking shit), but when I was playing around with the editing I loved the haunted look of black and white. All these shots were taken in my garden (and by mine I mean my parents), which has been this way since 1940. I love the stone arches and the rustic shed (made by my Dad with upcycled windows).  I think its given the photos a Gothic air. 

I'm gritting my teeth and pushing through the 'this is so cringy' feeling I get every time I take 'style' shots, I said I wanted to commit to having more of a presence on my blog and gawd dam it I am sticking to my guns! 

In actuality organizing these photos has been a welcome distraction from the brooding I've been doing of late. Having that typical Western indulgence of too much time to think, I was beginning to allow myself to become fearful, you see the thing is;

Happiness is terrifying. 

In the space of a few weeks I got accepted on a University course which means living by the ocean for real, my very new, lovely boyfriend has been 110% supportive and is willing to do the long distance thing (unfortunately he's Birmingham based) aaaaand in a mere few months, I'll be going to South Africa to live another dream of working on a surf community project.

I feel like there is so much to lose and the constant worry of having that happen has got me all twisted up. It gets me thinking about money (or lack of it), how I'm going to afford everything, also that if I'm commuting home frequently I can't possibly have a dog in the seaside dream life. Most importantly of all I worry that the beautiful relationship I find myself in will deteriorate with the slog of having to do long distance. 

So I made myself work out, I did some meditation, I read in the sun (then fell asleep in the sun), I made beautiful nourishing smoothies and I hung out with my parent's dog. 
Fairly standard practice really and dare I say it I feel better. 

The Yogic path is about disentangling the built-in glitches of the human condition, which I'm going to over-simply define here as the heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment - Elizabeth Gilbert. 

This is a picture of a crocus flower I took in my garden, I'm going to take advice from this plant and open up when the sun shines on me and allow myself to be filled with light. When it rains (which is will), I'll soak it up and grow. Simple. 

Until next time,

Stay strong, surf well 
Love

Letting Go.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. 

The Desiderata 

There is a moment just before standing up, that the roar off the ocean behind you feels overwhelming and you know that unless you commit your going to take a fall. That fear and overcoming it is the difference between riding a wave and wiping out. 

Fear is instinctive and can often be for protective purposes, it is however debilitating and in a non dangerous context problematic. When allowed to, fear can reign over all aspects of your life leaving you cloistered and on the fringes of living. 

I say this knowing fully the depths of my own fear. Generally I wear my soul on my sleeve and have a transparency with my thoughts and actions, I find being open allows me to connect on a much deeper level, strengthening relationships. This occurs in almost all social interactions bar romantic ones. Experience has made graffiti over that transparency and I find myself living in a walled existence. 

Presently I find myself getting to know someone, progressing slowly from first nervous meetings to dating. I'm becoming overwhelmed by the first flushes of romance and more fearful as I start to like this guy. 

In the same way learning to surf is a gradual process, falling for someone is the same slow meandering, 'try as you might' situation. 

So I'm trying to reflect on my surfing and use it as a metaphor in this instance to help me overcome the frustrations with myself. Often I have seen a glimmer of potential in a person and recklessly thrown myself into unsuitable partnerships. This time I'm going to paddle out, learn the way of the water before I take the drop, because once I do I know I'll commit and hopefully ride the wave in... 

Pretty things I saw.

   

 

Until next time, 

Stay strong and surf well 
Love

I think I know why the dog howls at the moon.

"Scarlet are you running to someone or just running?"
Kehua! by Fay Weldon 

The worst thing a writer can do is not write. Suppressing that instinct to explore the depths of ones thoughts is like leaving your fingers in a door frame waiting for it to inevitably shut. Now that I'm becoming more aware that people actually read my blog I've unwittingly begun censoring the things I have to say, worrying that perhaps I'm being too candid or too honest. 

I would like to think however, that it is precisely my honesty which attracted you here in the first place. Its not that brutish type of truth which is is thinly veiled disdain, it is the gentle meanderings of a twenty something trying to come to terms with her life and the destinations it takes her. 

Real women have curves and surfboards wouldn't have originated if I wasn't a land locked surfer trying to navigate love, career and city life with the burgeoning dream of flocking to the sea. 

So be it. 

I tentatively begin talking to you in the hope that expressing myself will not only alleviate my burdens but identify with you, you the person, someone who feels and dreams as vividly as I do. 

If I've learnt anything this year it is to seize the day, I know its a scuffed and well worn cliche but having lost two dear friends of mine I see waiting around as a futile past time. Patience as they say is a virtue, so when I say 'waiting around' I think I mean in the same context as Jack Johnson's song 'sitting, waiting, wishing.' Try to avoid being stuck in limbo, treading water, waiting on someone, all these a purgatory of your own manufacture. 

Recently I began experimenting with dating again which is where this reflection derives from. I'll always be a glass half full kind of person so I can't say my experiences have been wholly negative but they have made me wistful. 

Allow me to digress... 

I believe my whole romantic system is based on two songs. 

Johnny Clegg & Savuka 'Dela' and Pete Townsend 'My love opens the door' 

(see below). 

Your probably trying to remember where you've heard them before right? They play at the end of family/romantic movies nearly all the time because they beautifully and oh so artfully sum up how it is to love and feel about someone. 

With lines like 'I'm a whale listening to some inner call, swimming blindly to throw myself against your shore' and 'let my love open the door to your heart,' they've helped mold me into the hopeless romantic person you see today. I might look normal and I'm even able to hold a perfectly sensible conversation, but under the parka and ethnic jewelry lives a woman who believes in finding 'the one' and living happily ever after. 

Gosh admitting that feels like I've just confessed to having a fetish for nose sucking (I don't and nothing wrong with people who do, just not my cup of tea)!! And its not like I'm walking round with the romantic equivalent of a metal detector looking for life partner material...I still want to meet someone organically and in an uncomplicated manner without expectation, its just now I feel I've suddenly become aware of longevity. 

What happened? For ages I was this girl...

I literally didn't give two hoots about romantic relationships and was happiest planning on becoming a vet and watching David Attenborough documentaries. Then all of a sudden I became acutely aware of my pituitary gland that stealth bomber who made it impossible for me to ignore cute surfer guys. I see a man looking paternal and my ovaries clap, I see a guy looking after animals my ovaries clap, I see an artist doing his thing my ovaries clap, I meet a guy with a sense of humor....you get the gist. 



Being alone is what all human beings are fundamentally afraid of. Even if your sated with casual affairs the striving for brief encounters is your way of alleviating the anxiety of being alone . The funny thing is I used to relish solitude, whilst my household growing up was never quiet, I could often steal moments away (mostly to the garden) and simply be. My message isn't law but I do think I'm right. Everybody wants to love and be loved in return. 

Dating in your mid twenties 'should' be carefree and effortless but alas it is not. With both partners trying to carve out careers, being in or just out of the wrong relationships and/or living in the wrong place (ahem Birmingham city)? There seem a whole host of landmines ready to trip you up. 

I've sampled the exquisite pain of not being the right person, of being the completely wrong person, of being the right person at the wrong time and for being just hell no but alas I regret nothing. Although sat in my room listening to the rain pelt down makes me feel excruciatingly single I am not unhappy. I'm actually pretty darn happy, because with every stupid declaration, trip up and wrong turn I get closer to finding the person who 'opens the door to my heart...' 

Too cheesy?? Yeah your right that was a bit much. 

I've always felt the Angelina Jolie approach to life seems a good one...live how you mean to live, in a way that is unique to you because if you are nothing but yourself, the great love and beautiful family can happen anyway, in a tune better suited to your rhythm...     

Until next time water babies love strong, surf well...
Sophia x